


Just Do It or: Andy Hurley's Sex Life is Not A Nike Slogan

by popgothika



Series: Myths and Legions [2]
Category: Bandom, Justin Bieber (Musician), Ke$ha (Musician), Mickey Avalon, Selena Gomez (Musician), The Wild Pack of Kardashians
Genre: AU: Myths and Legions, Cannibalism, Crossdressing, Demons, Genderswap, Hunters, Magic, Mermaids, Multi, Spandex Jonas, Wendigo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 21:06:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4976533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popgothika/pseuds/popgothika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Andy's sex life is not a Nike slogan. Really, it's not. He just wants to do his job.</p><p>WARNINGS FOR: Ke$ha, talk of lesbian orgies, pixie blood, Spandex Jonas, Maneating of the Hall & Oats variety, cold showers, sexy sex, unsexy sex, and Mickey Avalon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Do It or: Andy Hurley's Sex Life is Not A Nike Slogan

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PeriodicallyBleeding](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeriodicallyBleeding/gifts).



Andy is a vegan. As in he doesn't partake in the animal products. He's also very straightedge. Ke$ha on the other hand, is not. In fact, she's firmly on the side of the carnivores and she's never not drunk. She's an absolute menace and she won't leave Andy alone.

"Hey there, Andy Pandy. How's the hunt going?"

"Go away, K. I'm busy." Andy doesn't even look up from where he's cleaning his katanas of the tar thick, blue blood from the feral pixie he'd just killed using his tattered shirt. The pixie's decapitated body is still twitching sporadically on the cold, autumn ground. Ke$ha drops down from the branch she was perched on, landing silently on ground behind Andy's crouched form. As she reaches out one hand to play idly with one frizzy, red-brown curl, Andy stood up, pivoted around, his shoulders squared and back straight, and fixed her with an unamused level stare.

"I'm telling you, K, I don't have time for your shenanigans tonight. Just go home." Ke$ha pouts, trailing one finger down his jawline and over his Adam's apple, "But Andy," she whined, eyes wide and pleading, the red rims around her pupils nearly invisible in the low light, "I wanna play. You never play with me." Andy continued to stare, arms coming up to cross over his naked chest.

"I know what kind of games you play. I'm not interested. You're lucky that I haven't killed you yet. You and Selena need to get it under control."

"Now that's no fair, Pandy Bear... Hey, that rhymed. But I'm not like Lena. She eats people without their permission. I always ask my meals if they'll let me have a nibble before I actually, like, do it. I can't eat them if I don't ask, you know that. Demon law. The meat goes all icky and makes my tummy hurt. Selena doesn't care if it tastes gross. She's not bound by our rules."

"Kesh, I think we both know that the boys you bring home don't know that that's the kind of nibble you want." Ke$ha giggles, teeth bright in the pale moonlight, "It doesn't matter if they know that I'm actually gonna eat their livers as long as they give their consent. It's their fault for assuming I'm talking about a different kind of nibble. But I don't wanna play that game with you anyway, Pandy Bear, I've already had my dinner tonight. I just wanna see what colour your sheets are." She winks, smile impossibly lewd and downright filthy, and Andy narrows his eyes behind rectangular frames.

"No."

"Why not? Ain't I pretty?" 

"You're very pretty, go away now." Andy slid his katanas back in their scabbards and slung them over his shoulder, quickly walking past the pouting demon towards the dim glow of his headlights.

She didn't go away. She never does. She instead follows Andy back to his car and hops up to sit on the dented hood as he's stowing away his gear in the boot. "Well, if you're not gonna show me your sheets, then you could at least give me a ride home." Andy doesn't answer, just sighs and wiggles open the temperamental passenger door for Ke$ha to climb in.

About three miles in to the journey, Ke$ha starts to run her left hand up the inside of Andy's thigh, softly tracing the stitched inseam of his jeans. "I guess I'll just have to find a hot little squeeze before the sun comes up. I'm thinking maybe a redhead with lots of tats and glasses. Oh, and maybe, like, a little vegan boy for a bedtime snack." Andy's jaw clenches for a moment just fractionally and his hands tighten on the wheel, but other than that, there's no outward response when Ke$ha begins tracing the zipper with her nails, up, down, up, down, up, down, up, down. 

She keeps talking.

"You know how much I like redheads, dontcha, Pandy? They never fail to make me hot. They're always so fuckin' feisty. I'm normally not into being held down when I'm fucked but every time I get a ginger in the sack, damn. I just- mmm. I'm getting wet just thinking about it." She squeezed Andy's dick through his jeans and is rewarded with an eye twitch and another kind of twitch much lower.

"Quit it, K, I'm not interested. And you're not eating again tonight. You know the rules. So stop trying to get a rise out of me." 

"You can't fool me, Andy Pandy. I can feel you." She gives a rough squeeze to demonstrate and Andy's nostrils flare as he draws in a sharp breath. "And since when do I follow the rules? Or you for that matter? Don't think that I don't know what you do with that Gorgon boy, whatshisname? Trohman? or that little Harpy, Maja. You break a lot of rules, Pandy Bear. I like that in a boy."

Andy is saved from answering because at that moment, Ke$ha lets go of his dick and launches herself from the passenger side window and tackles what looks like that Avalon guy. Mickey, or something. He'll be fine.

Andy keeps driving towards home. He needs a shower. A cold one.

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"Tell Debby that I'm not coming over tonight. I need to eat." Selena said, filing her nail down where it had chipped, can't have that, not tonight. "I'm really hungry and it sucks. I keep chewing the inside of my cheek without realizing it." 

"Oh boo, you whore. Seriously though. That blows. We're gonna have so much fun without you. Debby and Jenna are giving Joe a makeover. Did you know he's got tits now? They're pretty bomb." Demi's voice came from the tinny speaker of Selena's phone. 

"How'd he manage that?" Selena put the phone on speaker as she rummaged for appropriate dinner clothes in her closet.

"Mike Carden sneezed or something. You know how Curse Casters are sometimes. At least he didn't make the whole block have a blackout like he did when he had the flu last year. That sucked so hard. I had to stay with Z and her pack until power came back on. I wasn't about to do my hair in the dark." Demi sounded affronted at just the thought. Selena giggled, wiggling into her jeans. "Right. Cause that'd be a travesty."

"Damn right, it would. You know how evil my hair is without proper taming." 

"True. Hey, I'm about to head out, kay? I'll see if I can swing by after. Just to see Joe, if nothing else. How long's he going to be there?" Selena pulls her hair into a scrunchie, wrapping the ponytail into a tight bun.

"Oh, all night. He broke up with the Taylors again. We're totally gonna have a hot lesbian orgy. Well, except Jenna. She's not into all that, she's part of the Gold Star Asexy Angel Squad or something. But I respect her life decisions and it just means more lady Jonas for me and Debby. And you, if you want, if you do end up coming over after dinner." Selena can almost hear the eyebrow waggle through the phone line. Sometimes Selena is positive that Demi is part Succubus or Siren or something else of that nature. This is one of those time.

"Thanks for the offer, Demi, but I'll probably pass. I'm not big on sharing. Makes me hungry, remember?" 

"Pfft, what're you gonna do? Kill someone on accident? Necromancer, remember? I'll just wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am them back to life. I'm really good at it. But if you're sure, that's cool too. I'm gonna have Debby leave the key with the gnome if you decide to drop by, anyway." Selena smiled at Demi's words and said a quick goodbye before heading out for a late dinner. 

She was starving.

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"Hey, Micky. You know Andy?" Ke$ha asks, wiggling her hot pants back on. She nearly trips over Mickey's button down shirt twice before kicking it out of the way before thinking better of it and slipping it over her shoulders. Her shirt is missing. Not surprising given the eternal mess that is their apartment.

"He the guy whose car window you jumped outta?" Mickey's face and chest are illuminated briefly as he lights his cigarette. His hair is sticking up at odd angles and his curls have gone frizzy. Ke$ha flicks one of said curls with her index finger, leaning over him to to retrieve the bottle of Jack Daniels on the nightstand. 

"Yeah. He's the best. Won't fuck me though. It's against the rules for Hunters to fuck other Supes besides Hunters, you know? Such a dumbass rule." She rolls her eyes, untwisting the cap on the bottle and taking a healthy swig. "Like, he's not even following that rule as it is. Last time I checked he was fucking with that Gorgon dude, Joe, and Maja the Harpy. I'm way hotter than both of them. And I don't gotta feed my hair or clean my feathers all the damn time like they do. Fuck man."

Mickey took the bottle from her, taking a few pulls himself before passing it back in favour of his nicotine, "What if he ain't attracted to you or whatever? Maybe that's it. Why you tryna get a Hunter anyway? They're bad news, K Money." He shakes his head and blows smoke at the ceiling.

"Nah. He digs me. He's just playing hard to get. And he's kind of a shitty Hunter. Hardly ever kills anyone. He totally digs me though."

"Hm." Mickey grunts.

"And like, I already told him I didn't wanna eat him or anything after. Just good old fashioned sex. What's a girl gotta do to get laid, seriously?" Ke$ha complains. 

Mickey laughs, ash falling on his collarbones, "Man, shit, K Money, I got it easy compared to you." He dusts off his chest and puts out the butt in the overfilled ashtray.

"No shit. All you gotta do is creep in someone's head and give them wet dreams and you got your meal for the day. I gotta grope for my meals in shit bars and pretend I like pisswater beer."

Mickey pops the first button on her shorts, nose pressed to the juncture of her neck. "Hey. Why don't I hook him up with some dreams. Get him all hot and bothered for ya? He'll be crawling at your feet in no time begging to get in them little hot pants of yours." There goes a second button. And the third. Ke$ha lifts her hips when Mickey begins sliding the fabric down. They're on for round three, it seems.

"Can you even really do that?" She tugs the shirt she stole from Mickey over her head, laying back against the pillows when he slides down the mattress between her legs, skin whispering against cotton sheets.

"Sure. Why not? I get my meal and you get your Hunter." His eyes flash playfully as he leans in to bite her hipbone before going lower. Her answering, "Sounds like a plan." is breathy and high.

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Andy is about three blocks from New Fuck City when he sees Selena. She's sitting on the lowest limb of a tree watching a homeless man make his newspaper bed in the alleyway across the street. He only sees her because of her emory board, sparkling under the sickly orange cast of a street lamp, as she files her nails.

She only files her nails before a kill. 

Andy swears as he double parks the car illegally after an already illegal U-turn. He exits the car as quietly as possible with the squeaky door. Retrieving Patti and Kathleen from the trunk, he slings the blades across his back before trotting over to hide behind a group of overgrown shrubs, content just to watch Selena for now. Wendigos are hard to take down without the element of surprise, Andy's learned. Not that he wants to take her down. He hopes it doesn't come to that.

Selena drops from the branch soundlessly and darts across the road, so quick that she's almost just a black blur against the night sky. Andy moves with her, keeping carefully out of site. Darting behind a dumpster, he's close enough to strike but far enough she won't smell him unless the wind changes. And even then the dumpster is there to mask his scent.

He sees her tap the man on the shoulder, a question falling from her lips, the man points, brown bag covered bottle in his hand sloshing with the gesture. She nods and starts walking past the homeless man towards the park in the direction he guided her.

Andy is definitely curious now. Where could she be going? He waits until she's turned the corner to begin following, always careful to keep at least three meters between them. It's a useless tactic because, a moment later, Selena stops.

"I know you're there, Andy. You kinda suck at hiding, dude, you know that? Honestly." Andy huffs, stepping out from behind a tree. He walks forward until they're only a few feet apart, unsheathing Patti with his right hand.

"What are you doing, Selena? And don't tell me it's nothing because I know you." Selena pulls out her file again and begins a slow glide over her left thumb, sharpening the nail into a deadly point. "I'm hungry. Girl's gotta eat. I'm not breaking any rules. I've only eaten twice this week. Ask Mixon. He's been following me all month." She blows on her nails and admires her handiwork under the moonlight. Andy's grip tightens on his katana.

"Okay then. Next question. What'd the old guy tell you?"

"He just told me where I could find a special someone to keep my bed warm. I'm in the mood for red light district tonight. Not like anyone will miss one streetwalker." Selena snorted at Andy's grimace. 

"They're people too, you know. A lot of them even have families they go home to at the end of the night. You shouldn't just talk about them like they're stray cats." Andy waved his free hand in a broad circle. Selena rolled her eyes, "Look, I'm really hungry and if you don't have anything important to say, since I'm not doing anything wrong, I'll be on my way now." She paused, eyeing Andy slyly, "Unless this is a social call. What, Ke$ha not satisfy you?"

Andy blinked, "What?" Realization of her implication dawned a moment later, "No, no nonono. That's not- I'm not- What?" Andy backed away as Selena stalked closer, Patti glinting in his grip, doing little to reassure him. She has a predatory gleam in her eyes, razor sharp teeth bared in a wide grin.

"You sure, 'Andy Pandy'?" Her tone is blatantly mocking. "I can smell her alllllll over you, you know. Did you two get frisky until she got hungry and made the widdle Hunter run away?" Selena leaned in close and cupped Andy through his jeans, cackling at the look on Andy's face, eyes wide and mouth agape. He may even have been blushing but he'll never admit to it. She steps back, thumps him on the shoulder and says, still laughing, "I'm just messing with you, dude. I know how she gets. Seriously though, I'm starving. Catch ya later, Hunter." Andy couldn't do more than stare as Selena disappeared into the trees.

"These girls are going to be the death of me." 

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Bebe is from Long Island, she's got bright pink fingernails, and she fought a drunk ogre for Starbucks this morning. She can totally handle a washing machine.

The machine gurgles ominously and bubbles start leaking out from under the lid a moment later.

"Fuck."

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Selena finds the guy that her homeless informant told her to ask for on only the second try. He was a blond-ish little Fae thing with an awful bowl cut that made him look about fifteen years old. Who knows, he might be that young, not that it matters in the end. She could smell the cocktail of drugs in his veins from ten feet away. Perfect.

"You Justin?"

"Who's asking?"

"Oh you know, just lil 'ol me. Looking for some entertainment. You were suggested to me by a friend, thought I'd take a look for myself." The lie rolled off her tongue easily, and she took a step forward into the light of a nearby building's security system, illuminating her figure. The boy, Justin, eyed her for a moment before flipping his hair out of his eyes and holding out a hand.

"Cash up front. Two hundred an hour. And I don't do kinky shit." 

Selena pulled out her wallet, thumbing the correct amount of bills out, "Oh, I'll be good, I promise. Mind if I get a bite to eat first?" 

Justin shrugged, snatching the bills up, "Your money, chick." 

Selena smiled, lips carefully closed over her teeth, "Hm, well, come on then. I'm hungry."

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It's almost daylight Andy finally makes it home. He stopped twice to check out some suspicious tracks that turned out to be an annoying but relatively harmless group of fae having a revel in Faunview Park and a highly inebriated troll causing trouble for a wolf cub who appeared to be lost . 

That endeavour ate up several hours in itself. The cub refused to change forms to tell Andy where her pack was so Andy had to scout out all of the nearby packs with cubs. It was probably the worst game of Hot & Cold he's ever played. Eventually Tom told him who the cub belonged to after he'd already seen about ten packs.

The cub's name was something Jenner. Kyla? Kaylie? And she has apparently just entered her rebellious phase, at least that's according to her sisters, whose names all started with K as well.

The alpha's only response was, "She likes to run off whenever she's asked to do chores, or whatever. I did the same thing as a pup. I'm just waiting until she starts dating a rapper." The sisters were moderately more concerned, flittering about the sulking cub and Andy both, showering thanks and fluttering their eyelashes. The middle one kept touching his chest and asking if there was anything, anything, she could do to repay him. It was disconcerting, at the least. Andy is not a chick magnet, or a dude magnet, or even a metal magnet. He's a Hunter and he just wants to do his job. His job is fighting monsters and protecting the weak, not getting hit on by people that can eat him.

Andy said his goodbyes quickly and left, no worse for wear. He was really looking forward to that shower and his bed, now.

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End file.
